fiance, student, homeschool retiree, preschool teacher wannabe, Senior Living Coordinator, writer of many things unsaid, blogger, lover of the creative, most cheerful depressed person, devourer of books, crafty wanna be, amateur tech support, internet junkie, facebook stalker, tweeter of tweets, Pagan, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, karaoke super-star

I'm a widow?

One of my goals for blogging this year is to be more honest and candid in my blogging. I love when others are open and honest and they tell all the nitty-gritty details of their wonderful, tragic, and triumphant lives.(well maybe not all the details) I appreciate the way I can almost always relate in some way to their daily struggle and often find hope in it for myself. I write my own nitty-gritty details in the hope that it may bless someone else, either in the fact that you are not alone or just that you maybe don't have it so bad after all. Or maybe you'll read this a think " What a baby!" and that fine too.

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

I was in the grocery store line with the boys and a kindly and  lonely old gentlemen was talking to them and then to me. He asked about the boys names and was impressed with them, their origins and biblical nature. Then he asked about me and my husband, what he did, etc. (it was a long line) I  told him how Levi was a truck driver, OTR (Which in trucking lingo stands for 'over the road' and which in wife speak means- He drives all over the USA making deliveries and is not home nightly)The gentlemen says "Oh, so your a widow." I was a little confused and then I laughed and said "I guess, in a way." I left that store feeling very blue indeed.

A widow. This has never been more true than this last month. I did not see Levi once in the whole month of January. He was home for Christmas and then came back through once more before New Years and we haven't seen him since. His company sent him down to Texas and then over the Louisiana and he has been trapped in mid-west ever since. He's bounced around from Ohio and back to Texas. This would all be more bearable if he were racking up the miles (drivers get paid by the miles they drive) but unfortunately he drives for two days and then sits for one then drives for one day and sits for two. Which in normal working hours  would be like your husband only working 3 days a week instead of 5. Not good. Not good at all.

So here I sit all alone...literally...and I miss Levi and I hope that he will be headed home soon. I fear any day now I may crack, from the stress of it all. I toy with the idea of going back on anti-depressants to help me cope, but I hate that drugged haze that eventually comes.(please do not think that I abuse drugs, I have dysthymia...but usually cope just fine)  I may make it look easy being the practically single mother of 4 boys, plus homeschooling...but I tell you it is NOT easy. I'm strong, heaven knows I've been through enough to be considered "One tough cookie!", but I am also human and some things can only just be endured and possibly whined about until they pass. So I'll take a moment to whine about small paychecks and a missing husband-because there really isn't much else I can do about it.

I know I should count my blessings and all that jazz...but PLEASE! This is the real world-kindly allow me a moment.

Just keep your upbeat and positive thoughts turned low for just a moment-I can't hear myself moaning in agony.

Ahh! That's better.


After all-

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lost it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. -Unknown

I am hoping our ship comes in, along with my husband, and my mental health because they have all been lost and are due to arrive. Any moment now would be fine with me!


3 COMMENTS (click here!):

WordsPoeticallyWorth said...

I have read
And bled.
I'll come back
Too chat.

An Almost Unschooling Mom said...

I start to fall apart when my husband doesn't make it home for lunch several days in a row - if you still have sanity left at all after an entire month alone - then you really are one tough cookie!

Arya said...

((HUGGS)) I know the feeling of being a "widow" I didn't have 4 boys but I did have my 2 boys while hubby was gone for almost 2 years. It's hard work and it does get daunting and I know you are one tough lady who will be more then thrilled when Levi can be back with you guys again. At least there is internet and cell phones to keep in contact, I know it's not the same but it's one of the advantages of this day and age.

Think of how lonely it would be if you didn't have a way to contact eachother like it was back in say the 50's. ya know before cell phones and

((HUGGS)) and love sent your way. It's a tough road you lead but one that makes you stronger and helps build your love for the man in your life.

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