fiance, student, homeschool retiree, preschool teacher wannabe, Senior Living Coordinator, writer of many things unsaid, blogger, lover of the creative, most cheerful depressed person, devourer of books, crafty wanna be, amateur tech support, internet junkie, facebook stalker, tweeter of tweets, Pagan, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, karaoke super-star
Loss never gets any easier, its just loses its sting. I feel like I have soaked in a sea of loss the last 7 years. I have definitely gained way more then I actually lost in the long run, but it doesn't make loss any less painful.
I have lost actual people to old age and illness, so many I can't count them all anymore. Wrinkled faces and bright eyes that have lived an entire lifetime and made me a small part of it. I have felt keenly the loss of them in my life and within the world.
I lost a marriage and won myself in the process. I feel the loss of the person I used to be and remember some things fondly, but never want to go back. It was a half life and I have been reborn as painful as rebirth is.
I have lost myself and found myself again.
My children are no longer small anymore, they are all teens now, and I feel the loss of their childhood even if they do not.
This month's theme at church is HOPE. It reminded me that 'hope' used to be my focus word years ago. The word 'hope' has seen me through some tough and dark times in my life, when I have felt the most hopeless.
I like the scripture from the Bible, Hebrews
11.1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. It always reminded me that even faith has a basic building block of hope. If you just had hope, it was on its way to faith. When I suffer from depression I often cling tightly to hope, as that is all I can muster. Faith seems too big when you are in the depths of depression, yet just hoping for faith, hoping for something, is possible and not so overwhelming.
One of my favorite poems about hope is by Emily Dickinson:
Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
I hadn't thought about hope for a while now, maybe because I haven't needed to cling to it so tightly. It's comforting to think about it perching in my soul, waiting for the time I need it most of all.
I'm not a huge fan of labels. I feel sometimes we allow labels to define us too much and often they end up being a handicap instead of what makes us unique, strong, and individual. I have been labeled over the years by others,maybe you have labels too. These are often the words people use to describe you.
Some of mine are:
Sweet
Mom
Responsible
Shy
Sensitive
Reserved
Snob
Quiet
Organized
Ditsy
Smart
Cute
Together
Goody-Goody
I am a rule follower by nature. Maybe its part of my Obsessive Compulsive personality traits, but in general I follow the rules. They make me feel safe. I feel secure when I believe that everyone plays by the same set of rules I do. Rules of society, of humanity, and of common cutesy come second nature to me.
When I was a child I was terrified of breaking rules. I feared the unknown and known consequences. I lived in fear of crossing any lines and lived in a state of confinement defined by those I believed to be in authority. I believed that everyone lived by the same set of rules.
Eventually I realized that people broke rules around me ALL the time. I realized that some rules were silly. Some rules I had for my behavior or others didn't always apply to every situation. I learned that sometimes rules could be bent slightly.
I learned that rules are not the restraints that others put upon us, but the boundaries we create for ourselves. Boundaries we set in our behavior, way of thinking, and attitudes that help us define ourselves and maintain the life we want to lead.
“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”
Been a while since I posted on this blog... ugh.... its like a diary that you write in once and forget in a drawer somewhere. I guess the best I can do is write when I can. With school and work and boys and love life it is hard to find time. Its been another year! Big changes happened this year- My divorce was final...finally! I collected 6 more college credits. I met a boy and am dating him. The boys grew and are successful and happy. This year went by fast and we made lots of fun memories.
Ovid was called the last great Roman poet of the Augustan golden age of literature. Ovid‘s The Art of Love can still teach men today a lot about courting women and love. In fact his advise would make a great Dating 101 book for men. He starts off by telling men to have confidence in their ability to win a women. We all know that confidence can be very attractive. He goes on to advise men to get to know his sweethearts friends and get to know about her through them. Girls always love a man that can hang out with her friends comfortably and who shows interest in her life. Ovid then instructs his pupil’s to send the girl a letter or in todays society perhaps a text message or email. He tells them to send her nice thoughts and compliments. Everyone loves to be complimented and given attentions, so its sound advice. If that doesn’t work, Ovid tells the reader to not give up and try again. Persistence usually does get you noticed in the world of dating or the label “creepy guy”. Ovid encourages the young lover to make sure he looks good and smells good. This is the best advice yet to attracting true love or at least get a second date. Ovid wisely goes on to tell men to not get so drunk that they can't carry on a conversation with the girl of their dreams. Its great advice for both men and women, one glass of wine is great for courage and inhibition, but five might make for a night of regret. He instructs men to never stop giving out compliments and sweet words to women. This little bit of advice would probably save many relationships from ending because its hard to find fault with a man giving you compliments constantly. Although the last bit of Ovid’s advice on showing your date some emotion is legitimate, his advice on faking tears if you have to is a little overkill. Most women think its sweet to see their man tear up over his feelings for you or a chick flick but it’s manipulative to fake emotions. Ovid’s artful courting advice is still universally applicable today for winning over that special girl.
Work Cited:
Spielvogel, Jackson J. Western Civilization, To 1715. 8ed. V1. Boston, MA: Wadsworth Pub Co, 2011.
