Like some crazy horror film depression rears it's ugly head again. It may seem strange to be so blue when the sun is bright over head...but I am.
I don't like to talk about it much, but maybe I should. Maybe it would make me feel less crazy, to give a voice to how I feel and to my own personal reality and challenge. I'm insanely good at hiding it, I am blessed with a cheerful/happy personality, so it makes it easier to not 'look' depressed. You get good at faking normal.... because really, who wants to be seen as damaged? Plus it's hard to explain to people, because they can't see something wrong with you, like a disabled limb or a big scar.
I was finally diagnosed with Dysthymia, 3 years ago. I say finally, because sometimes its nice to have a name for things, especially something you have struggled with and didn't even know what it was. Dysthymia, is a mild, chronic depression. It runs heavily on the maternal lines in families and my mother suffers from it too. I like to visually compare it to walking through a misty fog. Sometimes it is so thick you can't see in front of you and then you step forward and everything is so clear and crisp-you can all of a sudden SEE. You had been so used to walking through the fog it seemed normal and you forgot it was even foggy out and now the contrast seems so startling to you. That is probably the scariest thing for me, not even knowing I was in the fog. Sure there are the signs and I try to be vigilant and look for them but the worst part of depression is it often it sneaks up on me so slowly I just don't see it till I'm in the thick of it or until it lifts and I see clearly.
I had really awful Postpartum depression with Oliver, my last child, that sent me spiraling into a major depressive episode, complete with passively suicidal thoughts. I was treated, took some lovely blue pills daily, and went to some very nice therapy sessions and thought I was all better, until I wasn't again. After having two major depressive episodes in 1 year I finally saw a real head shrinking psychiatrist...yes, he cost 3 times what my therapist did... and after a few sessions, turns out I've been damaged pretty much my whole life-well mostly since puberty.
If you have never experienced Clinical depression, then it is hard to explain. It's one of those, 'you had to be there' sort of things. If you've been there- you get it. If you haven't...then you are SO lucky! We use the word depressed too casually in our society, just like the words love and hate. Depression is an extreme.
I like to think I have a good handle on it, because for the most part it is very mild. A negative thought there, a lot of self doubt here, a bad day or week once in a while- much like how normal people live. I just have to work a little harder to stay positive and upbeat-to battle my cognitive enemies within. The power of positive thinking...it seriously works. Sometimes I am just a victim of it and it wins for a short time while my brain is being hijacked by a chemical imbalance. I see it as my greatest weakness. I hate having a weakness, like Superman's Kryptonite, it cripples me. We all have weaknesses to make us humble and it truly humbles me as I lose pieces of myself to the fear, apathy, anxiety, and fatigue.
I started back on my St.Johns Wort regimen...amazing what a little plant can do. Yes, I stopped taking it for a bit, I ran out and then I fooled myself into believing I was cured when I was feeling better. I like the St.Johns Wort much better than the little blue pills. The side effects of the St.Johns Wort are not as bad and the and long term effects are minimal.
I also started taking Holy Basil for my anxiety, when I am having a bad day or am expecting a stresser...another power plant! It works pretty well to keep me feeling calm, plus I get to smell like spaghetti sauce all day. It also does not make me drowsy like a lot of anxiety medication. The only thing I can figure out is that if you have anxiety, they think you should be sedated, which is not helpful...at all!!!
Now that I am getting a little 'au natural' help I am feeling better and will stick with it this time.